Lada Jokes

Lada Jokes.

Mostly about the Classic Lada saloon rather than the Niva, but we can all laugh in solidarity :)

Most Lada jokes are simply just reinventions of jokes about other low-priced marques, ie you could swap in "Beetle"/"Model-T"/etc instead of "Lada". Hence, many don't really translate to a great Lada joke imho — eg jokes about cheap cars being difficult to start in the cold are just silly when applied to Ladas, as Ladas are one of the best carby cars I've ever started in the cold.

But that's missing the point of jokes. Especially Lada jokes, as most are of course about Lada's susposed unreliability created by people that have never actually owned or driven a Lada. Gearboxes aside, we know this susposed unreliability is largely untrue, or indeed the result of el cheapo tight-fisted owners not maintaining them, but is still good for a laugh of course.

Oddly, the only Lada component I have found to be genuinely unreliable, the gearbox, I haven't found a single joke about. Naturally nor could I find jokes regarding Niva's off-road ability — maybe there's just too many greatful Land-Rover and Toyota owners that have been pulled out by a Niva or two :lol:

This page may or may not have been used by James May in research for his Cars of the People series

Anyway, on with the jokes...

A customer goes into a service-station and asks "Can I have a windscreen-wiper for my Lada?"

"Okay" replies the garage attendent, "it seems a fair swap".

Want to buy the new 16-valve Lada?

8 in the engine, and 8 in the radio.

What's the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Lada?

You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.

From a newspaper: "To the person who stole my Lada in minus 10 degrees of frost. Keep the Lada, but please tell me how the hell you started it!"

There is a big competition at my local pub -

First prize is a Lada,

Second prize is two Ladas.

What do you call a Lada in the winter?

A freezer.

What do you call a Lada in the summer?

An oven.

*This one can actually be true; with age or neglect the heater-valve cable can sieze open if not excersised regularly.

How do you double the value of a Lada?

Fill the petrol tank.

What is the maximum acceleration of a Lada?

9.8 m/s². Only in the downward direction, however.

A kid is walking down the road when a car pulls up beside him.

The window winds down and a middle-aged man peers out and says "Come into the car and I'll take you for a drive."

The kid refuses and walks on.

The car follows him and pulls up again.

"C'mon" says the driver "Hop in and I'll give you a packet of Smarties".

Again the kid refuses and walks away.

The car follows him and pulls up beside him again.

The driver steps out and says, "If you come for a drive I'll give you all the sweets you want".

The kid turns around and says, "Look Dad, you bought the bloody Lada, now you deal with it!"

What happens if you apply rust remover to a Lada?

The Lada disappears.

Don't forget the Lada emergency get-you-home kit:

Walking boots & a map.

What occupies the last 16 pages of the Lada User's Manual?

The bus and train timetables.

Why is there light under the Lada's bonnet (aka hood)?

So you can fix it 24 hours a day.

*There really is a light under a Lada's bonnet. Shame most of them have usually been pinched by previous owners.

How many people does it take to build a Lada?

Four. Two to fold, and two to paste.

How do you reduce the wait for delivery of your new Lada?

Bring back political crime in Russia

How do you tell if your Lada is made by prisoners or ordinary underpaid Russian workers?

The car assembled by prisioners has nothing missing.

How do you know that your Lada has been burglarized?

Nothing is missing.

Did you hear about the bloke who had his Lada broken into?

The thieves put a radio in!

How do you make a policeman laugh?

Tell him your Lada just got stolen!

How else can you tell if your Lada was built by prisoners?

Once it leaves the factory it runs. And runs and runs...

Why should you never try to assemble a Lada without being drunk?

You will get an AK47.

How do two Lada drivers recognise each other?

It's easy... They already met at the garage this morning.

How can you tell a man driving a Lada?

He wears dark sunglasses.

How can you tell a Lada drivers from the other people wearing dark sunglasses?

They don't have white canes.

How do you recognise a Lada Sport?

When the driver is wearing running shoes.

How do you avoid speeding tickets?

Buy a Lada

A bloke was driving up the motorway in his Lada.

Suddenly there is a pop and a bang and the Lada starts to loose speed quickly so he pulls off to the hard shoulder.

A few minutes later a Porsche pulls up in front of them and a bloke jumps out.

"Do you want a tow mate?" he says, "Yes please" the Lada driver replies.

"Ok, but if I go too fast put your indicator on."

So the two men set off and after about ten minutes a Ferrari pulls up alongside the Porsche and they start to race, forgetting the poor Lada behind.

Finally they take an exit to a little village and zoom past a little pub with a man standing outside it with his pint in his hand.

This bloke runs inside to his friends and blurts out;

"You'll never guess what I have just seen!

I saw a Ferrari and Porsche racing at 200mph - and a Lada indicating to overtake!"

What do you call a Lada at the top of a hill?

A miracle.

What do you call several Ladas at the top of a hill?

A scrapheap (aka junkyard).

What do you call 100 Ladas at the top of a hill?

A car factory.

What do you call a Lada driver who says he has a speeding ticket?

A liar.

What is the similarity between a Lada and a bathtub?

You cannot step out of either one in a public place.

What's the difference between a Lada and a sheep?

It's less embarrassing being caught getting out the back of a sheep.

What's the difference between a Lada and a golf ball?

You can drive a golf ball 200 metres.

What is the similarity between a Lada and a magic wand?

They both only work in the adventures.

Man buys a Lada but after only one day of ownership returns it to the garage.

"It's no good mate, the car's no good for me" says the man

"Why not?" asks the car dealer.

"See that steep hill over there?" says the man pointing

"Well it will only get up to seventy five up there!"

"That's not bad really sir, for a Lada especially. I can't see a problem with that"

"Trouble is" said the man, "I live at ninety five!"

What do you call a Lada with a sunroof?

A rubbish bin.

What do you call a convertible Lada?

A skip (aka dumpster)

How many people in a Lada?

One. The other three are pushing.

What do you call the shock absorbers on a Lada?

Passengers.

How do you overtake a Lada?

Walk.

What is the difference between a Lada and the flu?

You can get rid of the flu.

How do you know if your Lada is environmental friendly?

It doesn't start.

How can you tell if your Lada is of Russian manufacture?

It can run on vodka.

What does the trip counter in the Lada say when it is passing 10,000 miles?

"Game Over"

What's the definition of an optimist?

The owner of a Lada with an alarm system.

or, The owner of a Lada with a radar detector.

or, The owner of a Lada with a trailer hitch.

Somewhere in the middle of Spain, a Lada is driving along and meets a donkey.

The donkey, never having seen a Lada before, asks: "What are you?"

The Lada: "I am a car. What are you?"

The donkey: "Hahahaha... I'm a horse."

What do you call a Lada with twin exhaust pipes?

A wheelbarrow.

What is a must-have before driving a Lada?

Life insurance

What's the difference between a Lada and tickets for an Oasis concert?

Oasis tickets go fast!

Why do Ladas have a rear wash-wipe?

To remove the flies that crash into them.

Why do Ladas need two spare wheels?

So you can cycle home.

Why do Ladas have heated rear windows?

To keep your hands warm whilst pushing them.

In Russian "lada" means swan, the name was chosen as the vehicle is basically an ugly duckling - and another nation had already claimed the name Turkey.

A hard working Russian, we'll call him Ivan, after years of saving, has amassed enough roubles to buy the car of his dreams – a Lada Niva.
Like most things in the Soviet Union, there's a long waiting list, and after paying over his money he's told his Niva will be ready in about two years time. Two months later Ivan phones Sergei again to check on progress. Sergei tells him the factory is running on schedule and the expected delivery date remains unchanged.
Sergei is by now intrigued by Ivan's regular enquires about the progress of his Niva, and asks why this is so. Ivan sighs; "You know how it is. Everything you have to wait. Go on a list. Join a line. I have to know when the Niva is arriving so I can book it into a garage to be repaired."

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